The Kings are dead. Long live the Queen!

Pou ti Cyprus Mail, polla wraio... Salam Alekum Habibi Zoppo Kypree

Nick Pittas takes an irreverent look at what the future might hold for Cyprus AS WE MOVE closer to spring parliamentary elections, resumption of 'technical' talks between our two main communities, and the inevitable blistering heat of another summer sizzler, our politicians and pundits may do well to consider some possibilities for the longer term future of the Cyprus problem. These are offered on the strength of the premise that in Cyprus, unlike most of the rest of the world where five minutes in politics is a long time, the prevailing political clich? is, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Or to paraphrase the late, great Andy Warhol, in Cyprus everyone gets their 15 or 30 or 45 or 60 years of fame.
2008: Tassos Papadopoulos is re-elected president of the Republic on a platform that his handling of the Cyprus problem has placed Ankara on the defensive, and no one outside Cyprus talks about the Annan plan. Meanwhile, Ankara is opening up discussions on the third and fourth chapters of her EU negotiating process, and has reached a tacit agreement with the EU to defer de facto recognition of Cyprus and to delay opening her airports and harbours to Cypriot flagged ships and planes until she opens the chapter on transportation, which all have agreed to put off to the end of the process in 10 or 15 years time.
2010: Costas Karamanlis steps down as Prime Minister of Greece. He is replaced by Dora Bakoyianni who announces her first official visitor in Athens is not Tassos Papadopoulos, but her close friend Tayyip Erdogan. Foreign Minister George Iacovou in a rambling, drooling speech proclaims he and Dora are very good friends, and left wing Greek Cypriot politicians plead with newspaper editors not to bring out old clippings of them referring to Dora and her father, Constantinos Mitsotakis, as Quislings of American Imperialism.
2012: Greece and Turkey reach agreement on the Aegean boundary issues. The Turkish Grand National Assembly revokes the "cassus belli" clause. Tayyip Erdogan and Dora Bakoyianni sign the treaty in Constantinople and inaugurate an era of friendship and partnership in the Aegean. All EU partners are invited to the ceremony. Cyprus is represented by a shuffling, sleepy George Iacovou, who is assigned a seat at the back next to pseudo president Mehmet Ali Talat. They both are heard to agree at last on something technical: Dora and Tayyip look lovely signing the treaty on the shores of the Bosporus on a windswept morning in May. Dora is elected Prime Minister of Greece on a wave of national enthusiasm. Dora and Tayyip receive the Nobel Peace Prize.
2013: In a surprise turn, with the backing of his new coalition partner, Nik Anastassiades , Tassos Papadopoulos is re-elected President of the Republic for a third time on the strength that his majestic handling of the Cyprus problem has resulted in the international community totally forgetting the Annan plan. In fact, in his best line against his principal opponent Demetris Christofias, he croaks that even he can no longer remember who Annan was. Ankara is opening the 15th and 16th chapters of its accession negotiations and George Iacovou sputters to reporters that Cyprus still has 43 vetoes to use up.
2014: A chastened Demetris Christofias steps down as leader of AKEL /New Forces. The ever suave, ever smiling Nik Katsourides smoothly defeats the ever young, ever sincere marketing man George Lillikas as the new leader of self-proclaimed progressive forces in Cyprus. Christofias quietly accepts a humanitarian offer from his new best friend, the pseudo Talat, to join him in new retirement community near Dikomo for politicians past their best before date, a very rare species in Cyprus for anyone under 85 and still walking.
2015: Tayyip Erdogan and Costas Karamanlis are appointed presidents of their respective countries. Dora Bakoyianni warmly greets the new Turkish Prime Minister, Abdullah Gul, trumpets that Greek-Turkish relations have never been better and expresses her deep pleasure at how well Turkey's accession negotiations are progressing.
2017: Dora Bakoyianni, known affectionately throughout the world as the Balkan Empress, is re-elected Prime Minister in another smashing victory over the ailing George Papandreou, brought back to political life to lead a still splintered PASOK party. George is quite philosophical, reminding reporters that his fate was predicted back in the 1960s during the time of his namesake grandfather by that oracle of American sages Yogi Berra, who was once overheard to say about nothing in particular: "It's d?j? vu all over again".
2018: Tassos Papadopoulos is finally diagnosed with Alzheimer's when he forgets he is still president. His principal advisers Tzionis and Pasiardis convene a secret conclave at the Presidential Palace and announce his successor: his son Nik. President Papadopoulos II is elected on a platform that he will continue his father's impeccable handling of the Cyprus problem, and that he has in his possession a hitherto unknown blueprint for a solution bearing the name of a forgotten UN functionary named Annan.
2019: Ankara implements the Customs Protocol and opens its airports and harbours to Cypriot shipping. Cypriot politicians in unison declare the day a great victory for Cyprus diplomacy. Johnny Omirou of EDEK especially is so overwhelmed with emotion that he is admitted to the still new Nicosia General Hospital for observation.
2020: The EU and Turkey announce the successful conclusion of Turkey's accession negotiations ahead of schedule. Cypriot foreign minister and trusted adviser to all Papadopoulos presidents, George Iacovou, awakens long enough to insert his false teeth and declare that Cyprus still has a veto. He is soon snoozing again, and heard muttering under his breath that he and Dora are very good friends.
2022: Turkey joins the EU after signing with Greece and the two main Cypriot communities a federal, bi-communal and bi-zonal partnership agreement to establish the United Republic of Cyprus on terms eerily familiar to certain antiquarians as the Annan Plan. Joined by new UN Secretary-general Dora Bakoyianni, President Nik Papadopoulos, known by everyone as the Younger, in a shock and awe inspiring ceremony declares it the final vindication of his father who is propped up on a throne next to him. The Younger smoothly passes authority to the first rotating President of the URC, his star brother Serdar Denktash. The other Niks nod their heads appreciatively under the hot Nicosia sun.
2023: In one of their first joint acts as President and Vice President, in a show of unity and deep symbolic meaning, the "Gillette twins" as they are fondly known, Denktash the Younger and his V-P Marcos Baghdatis, finally relieved of his national service requirements, unveil a Makarios sized statue of the president's late father Rauf holding a tennis racket on the walls overlooking Paphos Gate, as if to return service to Markos Drakos still lobbing grenades from down below.
2025: In their first ever consensual constitutional amendment, the Greek and Turkish Cypriot communities agree to transform the URC, cutely shortened by football fans everywhere to Cyprus United, into a monarchy. The recently retired and thoroughly amused Dora Bakoyianni graciously accepts the island's unanimous invitation, and sails regally into Famagusta harbour in her personal yacht named "Empress of the Balkans" to take the Throne of Cyprus vacant since the fall of the Lusignan dynasty.
Across the land jubilation and cheers. "The Kings are dead. Long live the Queen!"

Copyright © Cyprus Mail 2006